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marriage

5 years of marriage; 5 things I know for sure

Posted in him

Since we will most likely have a 2-3 week old baby on the day of our 5th wedding anniversary, we decided to celebrate a little early. We traveled to Asheville, NC, and stayed in the same bed and breakfast we did on our honeymoon. It was a wonderful trip, complete with moments of stomach-hurting laughter, delicious food, March Madness over chocolate chip cookies, and the beginnings of Spring.

(Technically we still have a few months until our anniversary, but so much is bursting in my mind I want to share it now.)

Five things I know for sure after five years of marriage, in no particular order of importance:

One – It takes intention and help from the Holy Spirit to learn and love your uniquely wired spouse in the way that is most fruitful. Comparison is not a new temptation for the human race, but with such easy access to how other spouses are living and loving in the form of social media and television, it’s easy to get lost in being all the things and your spouse not actually feel loved. (Hello, run on sentence.) In my experience, it is best to receive my directives from God, His Word, and John on how to be a treasuring, supportive, respecting, loving wife to John, instead of being informed by looking at the way other marriages operate. Everyone is different, and we all receive love and care differently. One thing I know for sure is that I don’t want to be just a good wife, I want to be a good wife for John. Because he is the one I’m (joyfully) joined with.

Two – It is necessary for life as a Christian to have a safe, trusted person (or handful of people) who has complete permission to confront, clarify, and speak truth in the face of your sin, struggles, habits, dreams and desires. That foremost person for me is my spouse. If you aren’t married, maybe it’s a best friend or family member. I say it’s necessary because the heart can be deceitful, sin and self can be blinding, and because it can be more than a little life-giving to hear a meaningful “You are forgiven, by me and by God” audibly. I’m an external processor, and often it comes out in a hot mess, but John is my first choice to help even out my thoughts, shape my goals, and call out lies I’m believing. Even when it’s uncomfortable, or painful, it is essential to my being a quick repenter and freedom walker.

Three – John can’t be my #1. Jesus must be my #1. Growing up with many godly mentors, I often heard this counsel, and knew its basic skeleton, but it was well into marriage before I saw it fleshed out in our home. It is much easier to be an agent of God’s sharpening of John when God is my #1. I have more confidence speaking Truth in love when God is my #1. If I prioritize John above God, it would feel impossible to bring to our table any observation of sin or heart-harmful habit, because I’d be too afraid of his response. When I’m submitting ultimately to God first, I can be an extension of God’s sanctifying work, not fretting over potential messiness or hurt pride or slowness of change. I’m free to love him as God loves him, rejoice when he rejoices, hurt when he hurts, and care more about his heart than my potential hurt feelings (in the moment).

Four – Treasuring every moment, the mundane and the marvelous, is a skill I hope to keep developing. We know from the Bible this life is but a vapor. We know the sometimes sobering but truly humbling reality of not knowing what tomorrow will bring. I don’t know the number of my days, and I don’t know the number of John’s days. Whether we have 10 years of marriage or 50 years, I never want to look back and wish I had been more present. While easier to do than I would like, I don’t want to live stuck on the minors (how can he not tell I’m hurt, I’ve been quiet for the past hour, if only life was more like that, I wish we could do more of this) and lose sight of the majors (this man chooses me every day, I get to be part of what God is doing in the world with someone who inspires me, we get to raise a human being together!!!!). Whether it’s a Tuesday night on the couch or a weekend at our favorite B&B or a stressful season with a newborn, I want to view all the time as a gift. Because it is.

Five – Marriage has been pivotal in my understanding of the gospel. As a recovering earnaholic, God has done (and is still doing) quite a lot of deconstruction and rebuilding when it comes to my understanding of Him. When we work for love from God, when we forget we are hidden with Christ in God, we are distinguishing between us and Him too much. At weddings, you often hear “what God has joined together, let no man separate.” Not only is that applicable to the husband and wife, but to us and God. By asserting my effort to earn, I am separating myself again and again from God’s grace. I’m separating what He has joined together – Jesus the groom and we the bride (Revelation 19:6–9). John is an imperfect human, but his daily choosing of me, his love and light and forgiveness, his being my home has formed such a sure and beautiful understanding of God doing all those things, and more, perfectly and infinitely.

In some senses, five years is a short amount of time. In others, it’s more than enough time to transform you, to leave a distinct mark on your view of life, yourself, and God. (At least for me.) I’m thankful for these first five years. I’m thankful for God’s use of John to call me out from a pit or two, to rescue me from a few debilitatingly false beliefs, and to constantly lay before me what is True.

Other random things about these first five years: I still sometimes think John can and should be able to read my mind (Ridiculous)….. It makes me way more happy than it probably should when he suggests takeout instead of scrounging through our fridge…… I used to wonder what married people talk about to fill all the time they are together, now I know – nothing and everything (and it rocks)….. He’s happy to fall asleep on the couch and stay until 3am and I could not think that any crazier….. I underestimated the freedom that comes from being completely and totally myself with someone and them finding it attractive…. I will never see all God sees, but I love it when I see glimpses of exactly why John was the husband for me.

If you’ve stuck with this post until the end, thanks and a high five for that. If we already aren’t, let’s be friends.

finding my joy in the joy of my husband

Posted in him

It was middle of the work day.

I was hit with a big thought, “J shared something with me he was working through the other day, and I haven’t asked him about it.”

I confess, I was saddened by my selfishness. I felt guilty, and a little heartbroken at my lack of attention to what’s going on in my husband’s heart.

I surrendered it to Holy Spirit because it was a weight I needed help working through. My own self-absorption. I may not be malicious self-centered, but focusing on what’s going on in my life only when I am one with this sweet, strong, but also human man of God.

I am his partner, his helper, his wife. I pray for him daily, but only occasionally do I ask how I can specifically pray for him on a particular day.

It hit me then: just because we’re married now, and we see each other daily and know the big things happening in our lives, doesn’t mean I shouldn’t ask the common questions of curiosity.

He’s my person. He is the man that God created to be my husband, the man I get to watch continue to grow in Christlikeness and husband-dom, and eventually fatherhood. He is only mine! He is my #1.

I know and believe and love all of these things with my entire being, but my daily choices haven’t truly been reflecting that.

God made me his wife, to support and love and pray for and be present with. This is a beautiful and powerful and important role; I never want to take it for granted or not value it as I should.

So I’ve been thinking… how can I better love my person? The one I am called to love as best as I possibly can?

Spiritually

I can ask more regularly what J is learning about God, lessons from studying the Bible, concerns and joys happening in his heart. I can be a true, real accountability for him by lovingly prodding when I see him choosing self over Christ, or prioritizing worldly pleasures over godly ones. We’re a team, and this life can be difficult. I can get down in the trenches with him and fight apathy and sin and lukewarmness.

Physically

I think of intimacy, but also efforts around our home. I can love him well, by prioritize him over myself. I can do my best to make him laugh, to bring joy to our home by playing our favorite games or watching a great movie. J doesn’t like doing laundry, so I can continue to do majority of the laundry, happily, knowing I am loving him in a particularly important way. I can help keep our home a pleasant, clean, and comfortable place (which happens to make me happy also), so he exhale at the end of a long workday.

Emotionally

I can flirt with him, leave him notes that tell of how much I care for him, make him feel special. I can join him in activities I know he loves. I can remind him how I am on his side always, and cheer him on when he is discouraged. I can share my feelings more honestly, giving him the chance to learn something new about me. I can give him my undivided attention when he is talking, instead of multitasking.

I both love and am continually convicted by this passage from John Piper,

Husbands and wives, recognize that in marriage you have become one flesh. If you live for your private pleasure at the expense of your spouse, you are living against yourself and destroying your joy. But if you devote yourself with all your heart to the holy joy of your spouse, you will also be living for your joy and making a marriage after the image of Christ and His church.

Even once you’re married (I’m generalizing here), it can be easy to still think you’re on an island by yourself. You do things that make you particularly happy, you make choices to benefit you, you meditate about how you’re doing — not at all bad things! But as I learned our first month being married, and so often since then, that my happiness is hinged to J’s happiness. We are one.

On my own, in Christ, I have a capacity for joy and love and abundant life. And it’s a great capacity, because God is great.

But, J and I together? Our potential joy and love and abundant life together blows my alone possibility out of the water by a long shot. It makes my life much richer with J by my side, sacrificially and unconditionally loving him, putting him before myself.

In God is where we are both completely satisfied. In Christ we have all the love we could ever desire or need or dream of. This enables us to not require perfection from each other; it gives us the confidence and ability to work with God to make each other more like Jesus.

Lord, help me seek my joy in the joy of my husband. 

 


 

“I no longer believe love works like a fairy tale but like farming. Most of it is just getting up early and tilling the soil and then praying for rain. But if we do the work, we might just wake up one day to find an endless field of crops rolling into the horizon. In my opinion, that’s even better than a miracle.” Don Miller