“You and I will never meet God in revival until we first meet Him in brokenness.” Nancy DeMoss
It was the culmination of many days of both familiar and challenging thoughts rolling around in my mind.
I felt desperate for peace, for confidence, for resolution. I sat on the couch with tears streaming down my face, journal in my lap, expressing out loud to an empty living room (and God) all the things that couldn’t stay inside. Broken.
I’m in a season of change. A leap of sanctification. A changing of a 25-year-long mindset.
This particular moment felt like a ‘last straw’ moment, an dam breaking, exhausted over my feelings constantly sword fighting each other.
Now, I’m a fixer type, so resting in the midst of a season of change is difficult for me. Change is unsettling sometimes, free-falling, which isn’t a feeling I enjoy. These were my words to J: “I feel like I’m tightrope walking from one mountain of thinking to another mountain of thinking.”
And truth be told, even in this feeling of open air tightroping walking, I know (even if it’s a willful choice) that God is present with me. He’s always close. He’s the oxygen I breathe, His are the arms always ready to steady me.
After 30 minutes of this brutal honesty session, I expected to feel a release.
Days go by, and I’m wrestling.
“False humility and morbid introspection are, in fact, the opposite of brokenness, as they reveal a preoccupation with self, rather than Christ.” Nancy DeMoss
Being an analyzer, when something is ‘unsettled,’ between me and God, me and another person, or something at work, it rolls around in my soul until it’s resolved. I don’t harbor things well, and I desire resolution. I believe this is a strength in most cases, but in my current place, the above quote resonates loud.
Morbid (synonyms: depressed, fearful, unhealthy) introspection. Preoccupation with self.
I’m running on the hamster wheel trying to fix what is broken in me, and God is asking me to sit with Him in this place.
Is my need to sprint out of a broken place because it’s uncomfortable and I’m ashamed of it? Or am I desiring to experience more of God in it?
A couple days ago, I would’ve said the former. Today, I’m saying the latter.
I say that because every muscle in me is working to take God at His words:
Rejoice not over me, O my enemy! When I fall, I shall rise; when I sit in darkness, the Lord will be a light to me… He will bring me forth to the light; I shall see his deliverance. Micah 7:7-8
Be strong and courageous. Do not fear or be in dread of them, for it is the Lord your God who goes with you. He will not leave you or forsake you. Deuteronomy 31:6
I prayed to the Lord, and he answered me. He freed me from all my fears. Those who look to him for help will be radiant with joy; no shadow of shame will darken their faces. In my desperation I prayed, and the Lord listened; he saved me from all my troubles. For the angel of the Lord is a guard; he surrounds and defends all who fear him. Taste and see that the Lord is good. Oh, the joys of those who take refuge in him! Psalm 34:4-8
In God are the answers, freedom, joy with no shame. Leaning into His side with the full weight of what I’m feeling is the best way to go.
I realize how desperately I need Jesus. I need His life, the perfect sacrifice of Jesus who can take all of my broken messes and turn them into creations of grace.
Because of Jesus, moments of brokenness don’t end in more brokenness.
Because in some miraculous and wonderful and mysterious way, my life hidden in Christ transforms all that is imperfect and disjointed about me into a treasure for God’s forever enjoyment.
He’s not upset or disappointed in you for feeling broken. He’s not tapping his foot waiting for you to get your junk together and figure it out. He wants to do the fixing, and He knows exactly what you need precisely when you need it.