If You created from nothing
Then I am waiting
Cause all I have is my nothing
But I bring all of me
Oh, God of mercy
God who understands me
God who made me thirsty
Then came down and gave me drink
There’s something about me no one else knows (until now): I hate the idea of having nothing to offer. I’m actually afraid of it. So afraid of it that I restlessly work to cover it up, fill its holes or numb out to it. Not having what’s required, not being what is needed, not feeling enough, is my worst nightmare. AND it binds my hands from receiving all God has for me and my feet from walking in the life Jesus purchased for me with His blood.
This is the long-believed lie: to be loved I had to be worthy of it.
This is the unchanging truth: He loves me, therefore I am loved.
I am a recovering earnaholic. The fear I battle the most is rejection, and my most fought against idol is self-sufficiency. For a long time life felt like a beauty pageant, and I needed to be Miss Everything — Miss Strength, Miss Helpful, Miss Pleasing, Miss Good, Miss Happy. To please God I had to justify His choosing me.
Proving my worth became my full-time job, my comfort zone and the ceiling on my experience of God. I measured my meaning and value with the yardstick of having something to offer — in my relationship with God and others, with my abilities and knowledge, personality and habits.
The heartbreaking reality is how much the pressure to be “someone” or “something” insulates us from the Someone we were created for, who is our true life, and who deserves all glory.
In the last couple of years, the Holy Spirit has painfully and delightfully helped me see the truth. My hands were tight-fisted around control, being enough and fear of rejection. It is in opening them, admitting my need, can I surrender myself to Christ and receiving Him as my everything.
He is all-sufficient, so I don’t have to be. He is perfect, so I don’t have to be. He bore all the wrath and judgment of God, so I don’t have to be afraid of failing. He is all-knowing, so I don’t have to be. He is the author and perfecter of my faith, the producer of spiritual fruit, so I don’t have to make things happen on my own. He is incomparably worthy, and I get to find every iota of my worth in Him.
Life-changing freedom, joy, peace and courage are not found in trying harder but in deeper trust of Christ and His continually making us new.
Admitting my nothing is not my shame.
Admitting my nothing is not to be feared.
Admitting my nothing is a necessary, incredible, beautiful door into the fullness of Christ.
No matter our state, we are safe with God.
All sufficient King
I’ll bring nothing
You bring everything
I am a recovering earnaholic learning the art of opening my hands and receiving all Christ is for me. Join me?
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