In recent years I have been greatly impacted by Christian biographies and If I Perish was no different.
The author and focal character of the story is a woman who stood alone among thousands of kneeling people. Her defiance of the demand to bow to pagan Japanese shrines condemned her to a living death in the filth and degradation of a Japanese prison. Her deep love for the Lord and trust of Him with her life has changed me. Reading this book I was inspired, challenged, emboldened and drawn closer to Christ and it was a timely read for me. Not only was I encouraged by God’s character, sufficiency and provision for her and other believers in the face of great hardship, but I was refreshed by her commitment to surrendering herself every moment, even when she was afraid or hungry or exhausted or unsure, to her very present Lord.
a few quotes:
I knew it would be impossible for me to keep my faith in my own power. God would have to work through me if I was to stand firm. I decided to fast. (34)
Having heard the voice of God telling me to go to Pyongyang, I knew He was directing me. I would listen to Him and follow His leading. Wasn’t He, the Creator of the universe, my Father? I had no need to worry when I could hold the hands of Jesus and remember His words of promise until the moment I entered heaven. (46)
My heart became a battleground. (59)
“I’m fighting for my faith,” I told him. “The Japanese will probably kill me, but it’s more terrible for me to live against my conscience than to rebel against the nation and its laws.” Then I asked him if he would go to my mother’s home and tell her where I was being held. (103)
I felt myself cringing in fear. One day it would happen to me. I would have to rely on God day by day to give me the strength and courage to meet whatever would come upon me. Even though it would be unspeakably hard, I would be able to experience the Lord in a deeper way and see His promises fulfilled. (104)
Another prisoner was ordered to clean up the floor and was beaten, himself, when he didn’t work fast enough to satisfy the evil jailer. This was hell on earth. Witnessing it, I could not but praise the love of Jesus who had saved us from eternal hell. (108)
I was ashamed to think of what Reverend Joo or the other believers would think if they had seen me. Even worse, I was ashamed to think of Jesus’ attitude toward me. He had left His glorious throne as the only Son of God in order to be born into this world of sin, evil, and rebellion. What shame and humiliation that must have been! And what a tremendous sacrifice it had been for Him to live here on earth and to die on the cross as a human being for the sake of us sinners. Why was such a sinful, worthless one as myself complaining about the odor and filthiness of man? How awful it was to be complaining! (119)
I now realized that the more dangerous my situation became, the closer God would be to me. The harsher my torture, the more the Lord would comfort me. Up to this moment I had believed in the Lord with all my heart. Now the time had come for me to experience the work of faith. I was now to see the promises of the Lord become mine. He would care for me. The will to know my own faith and to prove God’s promises made my heart light and joyous. The Japanese would not throw us in boiling oil, or have lions eat us, or kill us with saws as the Romans killed the Christians in the first century. Rumor said that we would be hanged. That would be easier and faster than some of the other methods of execution. I was concerned about the cold, but this, too, I would have to entrust to God. Most heartbreaking to me was my mother. I knew how she would suffer and worry because of me. Bowing my head, I committed her into the hands of the Lord. (139)
I was somewhat surprised to see that the prison was cleaner than the detention ward from where I had come. And I was the only prisoner in my cell. “Lord,” I prayed, closing my eyes, “at last I’m confined in such a place as this. The rest of the world has completely disappeared from me. I am a weakling. Unless I live each day holding Your hand, I’II become too frightened. Lord, hold my hand firmly so I won’t part from You. Jesus, I love You.” My heart was overwhelmed by my desire to love God more. What an honorable thing to love God and to be faithful unto the end in His love! Once again I prayed. (141)
“Mr. Judge,” I said, “would you listen to me? What would you do if you saw someone who was drinking sewage water without knowing how filthy it was, and if he was telling others to drink it as well? I’m sure you would tell him not to drink it. Perhaps, if telling him would bring disgrace to you, you might keep silent. But I cannot. Whatever danger or disgrace might be brought upon me, I must run up to the person and tell him not to drink the water. Jesus Christ, the Son of God in whom I have faith with all my might, died for such a purpose and has taught me to live accordingly. Therefore, though I might be killed or imprisoned for it, I must testify of the truth and save the person who is drinking the sewage water.” (158)
Even those prisoners who were full of anxiety knew my heart. How much more would God know my heart and embrace me with His warm compassion. My mother had not given me a square foot of land or a lot of money, but she had led me to the greatest treasure of heaven. For her love, I was endlessly thanking the Lord. (168)
Here I was, holding a woman who was unspeakably dirty. Only Jesus’ mercy could cause me to do it. Jesus knew I was selfish, weak, deceitful, and sinful. But He treated me as valuable and important. How could I avoid her simply because she was so dirty in my eyes? To Him, we were the same. Because of her cold, painful hunger, she needed exercise and rest, so the Lord let me hold her as she struggled, sweated, and then slept for three days. What was the Lord’s plan now? (174)
I wondered if I had ever experienced the worth of being a human being so much as now. It was an unbelievable privilege for a person like me, sinful, selfish, conceited, and with many faults, to receive an order from God, who was the Lord of the heavens and earth. I was overwhelmed. In spite of my weakness and sinfulness, the Lord had given me the grace to walk and work with Him. (213)
“No matter how powerfully the waves roll in, as soon as they hit the solid rock they are crushed and dissipate into foam. They are made ashamed of themselves before the world and the history of man. The rock is firm and unchanging. The dominion of Jehovah, God, cannot be changed by any power of any nation or race. That is what the poem means.” (245)
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