“Not all noises need to be responded to or fixed, but every noise they make demands something from you.”
John says this and I start crying and laughing at the same time. (He’s such a counselor for me. God certainly knew what He was doing putting us together. The gift for my soul and sanity that keeps on giving.)
You see, I’m wired to want to show love by meeting needs. Being helpful. Working to be a source of happy and okay for my people. Being available. Saying yes to the urgency of a perceived (or not) need in a loved one in the moment.
In the past 5 years, I have learned and grown so much in the areas of my personality that aren’t so healthy. Tendencies that result in exhaustion, anxiety, and overwhelm.
The rub I’m experiencing now, with an almost 4 year old and a 1 year old, is how to apply the wisdom of health between myself and my peers to my relationship with my girls.
Because in a lot of ways, they are entirely different than how I relate to my friends. Boundaries are easier with people who don’t live under my roof. (Amen?)
And, I’m not responsible for my friends (aka, my friends don’t need me) in the same way my girls depend on me.
Confession: I have been quite bogged down in this season of mothering. Anna can handle, and needs, more instruction, discipline and training instead of just redirecting in an emotional moment (like I would with a musical toy when she was 2). And Jules, bless her, is all over the place, wanting to walk with your fingers and content in one place no longer than 5 seconds. The noise volume has substantially increased in the last 6 months and I find myself so flustered, capacity strapped, with self-pity tempting to pitch a tent in my soul.
Hallelujah for the Holy Spirit, being the Counselor He is, for using a recent conversation with John to help illuminate a few habits of mine that make the challenges of mothering feel 10x more.
“The person you are, daily caring for them, that love is sufficient. You don’t have to meet their every need (which sometimes is more a want) for them to know that you love them,” John says.
It was in this conversation that a picture came to mind. One of the girls is doling out an unpleasant response — whining, crying, fussing, etc — and instead of me experiencing that as something they are dealing with and I am whole, relatively unattached, alongside them in it, their feelings take block after block of me as if I was a magnetile tower until I’m down to one square.
There’s a Proverb that says, A man without self-control is like a city broken into and left without walls (25:28).
From the outside looking in, that’s what I’m habitually doing. In small and large ways, I empty myself to help someone else feel full. Meaning, instead of giving generously from freedom and fullness, I’ve thrown down the gates and am being robbed, emptied out, left trying to function a little hollow. (Okay, I admit that sounds a littttttle dramatic, but I also don’t want to erase it.)
In simpler terms, allowing another person’s (as precious and unconditionally loved as my daughters are) needs and wants to completely wipe out my own isn’t a sustainable way of being. And ultimately, though prioritizing myself usually feels selfish to me, I know I agree with John when he said, “You need to take care of you, mind, body, soul, and in that prioritizing, as they are growing, the girls will learn good boundaries, wisdom, humility… but also the health of you will impact and make better the health of our family.”
I didn’t consider that my unhealthy habits, operating out of flesh instead of faith, no matter how ‘not too bad’ they seemed at the surface, would cultivate unhealthy habits in my girls. (Yikes.)
Change is hard. Not changing, when it’s needed, will always be harder. And we can trust God to convict, lead and help us every moment along the way. Not only when we ask, but even when we don’t, He is so generous to give us grace and insight about the best yeses and no’s.
I tell you this to encourage you, if you could use it:
Take the temperature of your soul — burned out, discontent, grumbling, confused? Resist the temptation to avoid an honest look at yourself. Remember your position as one entirely loved and completely known, already and always. Ask God to give you discernment for how He has crafted you, where you struggle, how your daily choices might be helping or hurting you. Ask Him questions.
And with the grace and hope and help of Jesus, pivot, listen, trust. Brainstorm small steps toward healing or health.
And consider it worth it, no matter how ‘wrong’ it might feel in the moment. Have faith that even in the middle, even in the progress, even in the questions and exploration, you are never left alone.
And, embrace that you are the right person for the life God has put before you to live, but sometimes it requires change, pressure, challenges, because our surrendered life to God means He’s not only continually shaping us into the image of His Son, complete with more freedom, humility, joy, strength, love, gentleness, but also pruning to give us more of Himself.
Also, the timeliness of this for me, a reframing of pressure in our lives.
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