This is on the book jacket: “In an inviting, conversational approach that is both informative and accessible, the Stanleys help readers understand the most important goal in parenting and learn the steps to pursue it. You don’t have to constantly doubt if you’re getting it right as a parent. Start here and feel confident about raising a healthy and happy family.”
I agree with this. At some point, I heard Andy Stanley saying of this book, “We’re not telling you what to do, we’re just telling you what we did.”
It’s easy to read a book like this and think, Well, yes, of course, your kids are adults and they’re great and you’re looking back saying all the cool, good things.
But, truly, the principles of this book are scalable, workable and enjoyable for your unique family. This is a good book. If you read it, as with anything, invite the Lord into the conversations you have with yourself and your spouse as you read and think and choose.
Their big point is — decide what your parenting win is — and let that influence your parenting choices big and small. Stick to it. Let it be a filter to all things discipline, extracurricular, etc.
John and I have had a couple good conversations talking and praying through what our ‘win’ would be. I’m keeping that a little close for now, but I’ll eventually share it here I’m sure.
A few passages meaningful to me:
“Your relationship with your children, now and later, is determined by the law of the harvest, not the last-minute urgency of the final exam. You can procrastinate and cram for an exam and still do okay. Farmers don’t have that luxury. You can’t cram for a crop. You plan for a crop.”
“Independence is an essential ingredient for mutually satisfying relationships. Children who don’t fully individuate are robbed of the opportunity to choose an adult relationship with their parents. You can’t reconnect with something you never disconnected from. If you parent with the relationship in mind, you will parent your children out of your house and off your payroll. You’ll parent them toward healthy independence. They will individuate. They will become their own people.”
“Your words, whether you’re gazing down or up at your son or daughter, still carry enormous weight. Your no is a reminder that they’re safe because they are not in charge. Your refusal to be their friend will keep the relational lines from blurring, thus protecting their emotional well-being. Your refusal to play the role of friend will pave the way for an adult friendship down the road. Your refusal to change your mind in the face of their tirades will be appreciated, applauded, and perhaps emulated later. But for that to happen, you must remain in your assigned seat — the one labeled parent. You are in a relationship with your children, but it is not the same relationship.”
“When parents don’t evolve their parenting as their child develops, they undermine their influence with their child. Remember, your kids move on to the next stage whether you do or not.”
“Figure out what lights up your kids. Learn it. Encourage it. Invest in it. You’ll be so glad you did. And it might just be the thing that launches them into a forever hobby or even a career. So cultivate constant conversations. Don’t bail; let them fail. And get interested in the things that interest them. This is connecting and setting them up to succeed.”
“Disciplining with the relationship in mind is not the same as disciplining with your reputation in mind.”
“Meetings can be postponed. Phone calls could be made another day. But kids insist on growing up now. The stages are quick, and you can’t go back… Don’t give up what’s unique to you for something someone else can do.”
“Our words are connected to our influence. Never give up influence unnecessarily. Choose your words wisely.”
“What happens at home is more catalytic than your child’s baptism, sinner’s prayer, or catechism. If your faith doesn’t make a practical difference in your life, odds are your kids will grow indifferent toward all things religious. If believing doesn’t impact living, why believe?”
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